Friday, April 1, 2011

Truro Cathedral to be sold

Everyone who loves this corner of the UK will be sad to hear today's news that the Church Commissioners have decided to sell Truro's historic Cathedral. The mother church of the Diocese, one of the Church's newest Cathedrals, and only recently refurbished at huge expense, is expected to fetch at least £3 million, although the building itself is likely to be demolished. The name of the buyer has not been released, but last night insiders were saying that Tesco has acquired the site for a Tesco Metro, Starbucks, and TK Maxx. It is understood that the Cathedral Shop will be left standing and developed as a "Cornish Spirituality Centre" selling crystals, angel chimes, and badly made models of dragons.

A spokesman for the Church Commissioners said "we understand there will be some opposition to this, but we cannot be responsible for the upkeep of these ancient, crumbling buildings. The money we spend on the Cathedral would be much better spent on things like mission and ministry." However not everyone is confident that the sale will be good value. Many in the Diocese, remembering the fiasco when the rare books of Bishop Philpott's Library were sold at a car boot sale for 50p each (three for a pound), fear that valuable antiques such as the Canon Precentor will be undervalued and sold for a song. "It would be a tragedy if the Cathedral were to disappear in this way" sniggered one local vicar.

An Archdeacon, who asked not to be named, said "this is typical of a metropoliticocentric ecclesio-oligarchy who just don't speak the language of plain Cornish folk. I'm on the General Synod and when we go to London they make us stay in the cheapest hotel and you can't get a pint of Tribute anywhere, and now they have the cheek to do this. Well this is the last straw - Truro is leaving the Church of England for good. The Bishop is incandescent. He's seeking alternative episcopal oversight from the Archbishop of Uppsala. He says it'll be alright because they've got loads of cash over there, and we can set up a new trading arm selling genuine Cornish pasties in church restaurants throughout Sweden".

There was no-one at the Cathedral available to comment.

8 comments:

Mrs T said...

Perhaps that bossy, blonde woman from 'Country House Rescue' could come up with a few ideas? Truro will be so boring without it.

Gurdur said...

*snert*

Jim said...

Delighted to see sense finally prevail - the Cathedral should have been sold off years ago. It's a start: now to get rid of all those appalling parish churches that are nothing but a drain on resources and an obstruction to mission.

If only.

Ray Barnes said...

I heard, probably on the same grapevine, that the Bishop and clergy were in process of forming a 'boy band' to raise funds for a 'holy well' to be built near the demolished Cathedral.
All donations to be sent to the Flying Pig.

PrecentoratTruro said...

The Canon Precentor is very happy to be sold for a song, so long as it is sung decently and in good order, unlike the way they get up to things in Kea Church.

Charlie said...

Touche! Sadly no-one has actually fallen for it yet, so I think you are safe.

Rev Gareth Hill said...

Of course the truth is that the Cathedral is only the annexe to Truro Methodist Church so even if the auxiliary rooms are sold - and £3m is quite good for a conservatory really - the work of the Church won't be interrupted :)

Charlie said...

Thanks all for your response to what is, basically, a long series of in-jokes (some of them so 'in' that probably nobody apart from me got them). Thanks particularly to those who fell for it - your secret is safe with me. And this is now the most-viewed post ever on AH, apart from Delia.